you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
