I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
