did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
