It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
