i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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