Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It's official drugs can't kill me
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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