If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
