Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
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