I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Sacagawea was the original milf.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
