WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I need to calm my uterus...
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize