Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
