i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
