I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
