Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
