I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
