Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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