i love accidental penises.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
