I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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