have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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