So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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