This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
