someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
