I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I cut my penus on the lid.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
