i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
