can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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