Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
