Nicole vs. Life
my phone needs a breathalizer
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
‪I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse. ‬
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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