I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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