Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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