do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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