just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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