Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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