I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I can't put those talents on a resume
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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