from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
