I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
