I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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