She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
