I am midnight drunk by noon
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We have started to decorate penises.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Randomize