I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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