dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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