Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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