dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Randomize
