I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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