And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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