tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize