I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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