Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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