I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize