I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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