Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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