I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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