I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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