I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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