Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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