Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
