Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
