Dude my mom stole all your condoms
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
