I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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