Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
