I'm drive I can fine osifer
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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