It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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