My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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